It All Started with a Website...

For this post, I am basically copying and pasting a conversation between my BFFF and myself. I'm doing it 1) to preserve this funny moment 2) to buy myself more time because I haven't been able to write anything lately. To clarify, I'll write B for my bestie and N for myself.

B: God I hate people. (She's attached a link from Perez Hilton announcing the unfortunate fact that Lauren Conrad's "book" tops the NYT best seller list)

N: Well, we do live in an age where people watch other people eat deer testicles and think Gossip Girl is a Pulitzer winner. I say we write about how unfamous we are and become famous

B: Chapter 1: No One Asks For My Autograph. How Do I Change This?

N: Chapter 6: Running after celebrities (hoping their celebrity will rub off)

B: Chapter 17: Yay! I finally mangaged to make 5 million bucks by attending parties!

Chapter 18: What The Fuck do you mean I STILL can't afford an apartment in Manhattan?

N: Chapter 11: since I can't afford expensive dresses, I guess my style will be eccentric

Chapter 11 part b: why yes, that plant will make a lovely hat

B: Chapter 12: Flashing Your Vag to the Papparazzi: Some Pointers

Chapter 13: The Sex Tape With a Former Child Star and/or Billionaire's Son

N: Chapter 12 part b: "hair style" advice

N: Chapter 10: those damn paparazzi! But secretly I love it

Chapter 14: buying First Response in a busy store to cause a little buzz

B: Supplement to Chapter 14: No Buzz from First Response buy? Try a real pregnancy. Or adopt from Africa (Supplement written by Nicole Ritchie).

Chapter 15: Changing your Sexuality on a Whim: Works Every time!

Chapter 16: Claiming Abuse and/or Eating Disorders as a child: Know How To Fake the Symptoms

N: Skipping far FAR ahead: I think at the end, we can put a sneak peak into our sequel: how to be the perfect Cougar.

B: Chapter 1: Upper Lip Waxing: Your New Best Friend. Haha here we go again

N: Chapter 4: where to HUNT. ok but really we still have the first few chapters of the original book and a titillating title

B: Hmmmm titillating title...

I'll think on it. Haha "If Lauren fucking Conrad can write a book, so can we!" probably won't work

N: that's too bad...Well we can be simple and call it Un-Famous. Does that already exist?

B: Hmmm actually I seem to remember that Perez Hilton wrote a book pretty similar to this. Fuck. OH, can we rename Chapter 12 to "Vagtastic Voyage: Flashing the Papparazzi"? I'm a big fan of alliteration

N: So Am I!

If I have any readers who want to help us write and publish this book, feel free to write me!

Imagine

I love a romantic happenstance. I think I almost came slightly close to one the other day...

Sighing for the fifth time, I was preparing myself to enter Walmart. I armed myself with a list so I wouldn't stray and lose myself in front of the $5 movie bin. I made good time and got everything I needed in under 30 min. Sure, I bought a few extra things but it wasn't too bad.

As I was waiting in line, I looked up to see a hottie making his way toward the exit. We locked eyes. I looked away fearing the retinal interaction was getting too intense. I looked back hoping to get one more eye full of him. To my surprise, we locked eyes AGAIN! I was all grinny inside after he stepped out of my line of vision until I realized that I was holding a box of tampons in my arms, facing out, for all the world to see. Damn it. Now, even if he thought I was cute (regardless of my work outfit and pulled back hair), my image will forever be infused with a box of Tampax.

As I'm cursing underneath my breath, I text my encounter to my BFFF. Her response is what makes her my one and only. She replied, "Hahahahaha!!! Now he knows you can breed. His subconscious will LOVE that."

Lets talk about how that happenstance should have gone:

By the time I'd made my rounds through the store, letting the seductive fluorescent lights illuminate my way, I'd picked up more off list items than those that were on. I'm barely managing this juggling act but still refuse to get a basket because I only needed one more thing. But what do we have here? The last bottle of bay leaves is jammed in the back of the top shelf. So, I balance my stuff in one arm while on my tiptoes, fingers flailing, to reach it. Along comes a tall and cute guy who grabs it and hands it to me, coincidentally knocking some of my things onto the floor (tampons are absent in this version).

"I'm not much help after all," he'd say while helping me gather my things. "No, I really appreciate it," I say without looking up. While holding the bottle of bay leaves, he asks, "So, what can you make with this anyway?" "Oh, I'm going to put it in some stew. It helps with the flavor." "Wow, never would have known that. They only seem live leaves to me. I don't cook." He grins while holding up his box of instant macaroni and cheese and frozen pizza.

We laugh and I thank him again while trying to situate my things. "Um, are you done shopping because I'm headed out too. I can just carry these for you." So, he does. He shares a few short kitchen nightmares till we're all checked out and bagged. "Well, it was nice to meet you." I'd say and we'd part. As I fumble for my keys, I hear him say, "Good luck with your stew!" What a cutie.

A couple days later, I was at work counting out my money for the night when I hear, "So, how'd that stew turn out?" I looked up, a little confused. Oh, it's the helpful Cutie. He'd ask me when I got off work and...

Now THAT'S the kind of happenstance I'm looking for! Is it too much to ask?!

Bewildered

In the last decade or so, Asian cuisine has really become the norm in magazines, TV, and on the table. It's flavorful, you get our Omega-3s, it's exotic, bla bla bla. Chinese and Japanese food of course but Korean and Vietnamese cooking have exploded in popularity. Thai food is even being considered the new romantic "it" cuisine. It's everywhere!

This is why when I get the occasional customer who has NO idea what anything on the menu is, I'm just as flabbergasted as they are. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm not saying people have to know everything there is to know about foreign cuisine but this isn't Moroccan or Finnish food (only examples I can think of. See, I don't know what's totally obscure these days).

A couple nights ago, I had a three top of girls. The first two ordered without even looking at the menu. The last one hesitated because she wanted to ask me some questions before she made a decision. The questions though, I was not expecting:

"What is Fried Rice? Is it deep fried because I don't want all that. Oh and the Egg Drop soup, how are the eggs? Are they hard boiled?"

How has this girl gotten through roughly twenty years of her life without ever coming in contact with fried rice or egg drop soup? Fried rice is literally everywhere! It appears in many episodes of Law & Order in the form of takeout and there were a couple episodes dedicated to Chinese food in Sex and the City.

Her assumptions are so..literal! I wonder what she thinks about General Tso's Chicken...chicken belonging to a General Tso? Come on!

That Warm and Fuzzy Feeling

I've been noticing a lot more guys in the card aisle as well as excessive hand holding. My eyes are about to fall out of my head from rolling them so much at couples eskimo-kissing while I order my sandwich for one. February 14th, the day we celebrate the Patron Saint of designer chocolates and Vermont Teddy Bears.

No, I don't think Valentine's Day is silly. Hell, I'll take any holiday where I get gifts for no reason. I just hate it now because I don't have anyone to bat my short eyelashes at. Maybe, when I'm asked what I did for Valentine's, I'll come up with this elaborate lie about how I was wined and dined by some fabulous guy that I met...at the Vet or something. But, knowing my luck, they probably would have seen me in the drive thru line at Wendy's buying 3 Frostys. They'll play along of course, out of pity.

Actually, Valentine's Day is necessary. It's a good holiday to celebrate togetherness without the family around (if you know what i mean, wink, wink). It's also a great way to sucker your significant other into letting you go to Mardi Gras without them.

People need a couple slutty holidays in order to pretend to be religions come Ash Wednesday. You'd never know how many "devout" Catholics there were till they come marching in with their foreheads marked.

Yea, keep telling people that you're giving up cigarettes and Rumple for Lent. Jesus would be proud.

Trivial

Every week, my friends and I go out and try our luck at Trivia. Every person pays a cover and the winners split the pot. We have a pretty solid team except the music category always spoils the fun for us. Seriously, who can name all the nominees for Best New Artist in 1995? That was rhetorical.

It took me a while to go to Trivia because of my hatred of trivia people. They're so rude and self important (ok, not all but the terrible ones make all trivia goers look bad). With a push from my friends though, I decided to suck it up and try it. I've been a trivia goer for over six months now. It's been lots of fun although it's frustrating to never have gotten first place. It's ok, at least we have something to strive for. I even got used to the snobs. As months went by, other team members came and went...But after seeing the new generation of trivia kids, I'd take back the snobs any day.

I can't even describe how hilarious and original this particular group is. They bring 10th round beer pong enthusiasm to trivia: Every question evokes a comic response that even Carlos Mencia wouldn't dare steal and every answer they get wrong results in fist banging profanities. Yeah, they're winners.

The leader is unbelievable. I'm going to try to describe him but my description won't do him justice. Here goes:

He wears a purple polo with the collar half popped. This is to appease the sorority girls. For the indie ladies who'd write him off for that, don't walk away yet! He has on thick rimmed glasses and retro sneakers as if to say, "Hey, I'm an unique individual and I have thoughts." The baseball hat that's not fully on his head and slightly cocked to the side lets the guys in the room know that he's not scared to talk to you about the game and argue who deserves to go to the playoffs while still expressing his hip hop style. And to round it all off, his pudginess and scruff combined with his quips lets you know that he's a Seth Rogen type funny guy who likes to smoke the J for time to time. All round fantastic guy...

Man, I bet his mother loved playing the quiet game with him.

Party Animal

It's Saturday night. Bartenders are slinging drinks, sequin tube tops are zooming by despite the below freezing temperatures, and bodies are tangling on the dance floor... Where am I?

At the bar? No. On the bar? No. Making out with a hot Aussie? Chah! I wish. I'm actually comfortably sitting in front of my computer. I have on my Princeton sweater that I love because it makes me feel smarter and my favorite sweat pants that have the elastic on the bottom to prevent them from riding up. So what's got my attention on this exciting night? Petville.

If you're not familiar with it, it's like a dumbed down, furrier version of Sims. You collect coins, feed, and clean your pet to keep them happy. It's not making me happy, though. My pet is so needy. I work hard on this one monotonous game to earn enough coins to buy him cool things. Like the other day, I bought him a nice table for his dining room and what does he do in return? He sits on it!

He even bothers me when I'm away. So, i was at work (in the real world) and during a break, I checked my e-mail and what do I find? A notice that my pet is hungry and misses me. It's so infuriating. The worst part, I can't stop playing it. I'm actually determined to bling out his house.

Really? This is my life now? Shakes head

Audible Sigh

It was a pretty good Friday night. Intersession just started so a small wave of students have returned, making it busy enough to get me flustered. Everything was running smoothly until I hit one red light after another.

I try to make it a habit to ask what we're out of when I first go into work. Unfortunately, more times than none, I get a green light until one of my tables orders the very thing that had been overlooked. In general, if this happens once, it happens again...and again. So, I turn into a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth apologizing. We all make mistakes but I'm the one that has to walk back to a frowning table, not them.

After the initial rush died down, an old employee comes in. He starts up the usual, "How've you been?" Now, if the question is standard, I give a short, generic answer. If the question is more specific, I answer to it. In this case, it was the latter. So, I started to give a decent reply when I realized his focus had switched over to his phone. I start trailing off....... That's such a pet peeve of mine. God, if you don't give a shit, don't even ask. I felt insulted and small. Jerk

I saved the best for last. There's this couple who always comes in on the weekends to get their regular fix. Problem is they always come in about ten minutes till close, not a minute sooner. We've reminded them many times of this fact but it falls on deaf ears. The woman is irritating. She always talks with her nose in the air. When I approach the table, she opens her menu like she needs it. I know what you're going to order, it's always the same thing. Don't pretend like you need a minute to decide. The man, who is much older, looks like Dick Cheney/Ebenezer Scrooge, without the enlightening experience. They've gotten better in that they ask for their check in a more timely fashion but they still make me stay an hour past closing on some nights. I think we've all made a subtle jab at them. The best was a waitress who asked the woman if her "father" wanted another drink. Zing!

Word of advice: You never want to be the patron that the staff dreads to see and rejoices if you don't show.

Mirror, Mirror

Hotels, no matter how nice, are designed to make you want to be home.

The "lighting" in the bathroom magnifies every flaw and even goes as far as adding some. My teeth look green, my skin looks yellow(er), and it highlights my pores. No wonder there's a Bible by the bed. One look in that mirror and you'd think the devil got a hold of you.

This particular hotel we stayed at was pretty nice...on the outside. They must have took those pictures online when it was still young and glowing. Either that or lots of photoshopping! Coming back after a long day, we realized that the cleaning staff wasn't a stickler for detail. I had to take my contacts out before stepping into the shower to avoid noticing he spots they'd missed. Thank God I brought flip flops. I also had to wash quickly before drowning in shower water for the lack of drainage. Gross

Speaking of gross, I made some observations that I wish I hadn't. I noticed that every couple in line for ANY ride was playing grab ass. I don't know if it's sheer boredom or if all the standing and scooting acts as an aphrodisiac but there was no way to avoid people making out. I've never wished for a Final Destination moment more (the 3rd one to be specific).

Come on people, we're about to get on the Cat in the Hat ride. Save it for the high speed coasters where there are less kids. There's not a hight requirement for what's in your pants.

Christmas Vacation cont.

Nothing turns back time and turns you into a preteen faster than a family vacation.

On the second day, the increasingly annoying drizzle caused the family to seek refuge in a Hard Rock Cafe. Since it also happened to be lunch time, we decided to sit down. Menus in hand, we started to discuss our options. We were all leaning towards getting a burger but since it's rather boring to all get the same thing, my mother suggested that someone get the quesadilla. My dad and I assumed that she was volunteering herself so we stuck with our choices.

This did not sit well with my mother. She didn't want to be the one with a different order. Note: My family shares so ultimately, it doesn't matter. After way too much time passed about a stupid quesadilla, through gritted teeth, I proposed that she just get whatever she wanted. My dad ended up getting the ever so popular Mexican delight. You would think that, that would be the end of it. Oh no.

When the splitting of the dishes began and my mother's portion was being passed to her, she refused it. "I don't want any of that," she declares, turning her nose up at the tortilla sandwich. And that started the 3 hours of silent treatment... Family vacations, ruining FUN since before the first migration.

Side note: the quesadilla was voted the yummiest out of all. Figures

Christmas Vacation

Nothing turns back time and turns you into a preteen faster than a family vacation.

Vacationing with your family in your twenties is so different from going on vacation as a kid. You're able to enjoy going to nice restaurants because you don't have to immediately search for the "big appetizer" or cheapest entrée page. You can now drink with your parents. You can also help with the drive, therefore, feeling like you contributed. My favorite is probably the part where I don't have to get permission to buy an overpriced souvenir! Because it's now MY money that I'm "wasting." Yes, I will take that invisible dog-leash thing that I've wanted since I was 5. And even though, my mother was right when she told me it'd get old and it'll just take up space in my closet... I'll never admit it to her.

Now, there are generally more pros than cons when traveling with your parents but the cons seem so much worse at the time. So, I mentioned that you can drink but you can't get drunk. You also can't be hot in the presence of your parents. The minute you start to eye flirt, a pair of mom hands come at 'cha to fix your shirt. Mooooooooooooooom!

As you can tell, I recently took a family vaca to Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure in Florida. It had been over ten years since my last visit. Let me tell ya, it was an adventure.

Opening the park map brought on mixed feelings of nostalgia and a little disappointment. The Back to the Future ride had ridden out its fame. It had been replaced with Krustyland. Yup, a Simpson's ride. It was cute but has nothin' on chasing Biff through time.

The plan was to hit all the new rides and with the remaining time, go on the classics. The Rip Ride Rockit roller coaster was fun! Not one of the fastest I've ever been on but the cool thing about it is that you get to choose what song to ride to. You can't really hear it over the screaming and with your head bobbing but still. The choices weren't the greatest but I picked Gloria Gaynor. Seemed the most appropriate.

Let's see...We rode the Hulk and Spiderman, of course, oh and the Jurassic Park ride, which ultimately, was a bad choice because it's a water ride and Florida was cold. Yes, it was cold and slightly rainy for the 2 days we were there...grrrrr

The best, or let me clarify, the funniest was most definitely the Terminator2 3D show. Just as awesome as i remembered but horribly out dated. For those of you who don't know, the show opens up with a showing of a Cyberdyne ad: They promise robots that'll help with surgery as well as students around the world studying together in real time...Yea, an update is needed.

The twists and turns of the rides didn't make me nauseous but moments of family togetherness did. Trips tend to bring out the worst in my mother and since we only booked one room, there's nowhere to hide.

I'm going to make this entry a two parter. This is the happier half.

Twenty-Ten

Or Two Thousand-Ten, whatever you want to call the new year, Happy New Year!

I have material from '09 so we'll be time traveling a bit but I hope you don't mind.

(Holding up a glass) Cheers to a new year and to me trying my best to make you giggle in between your Facebook chatting and reading TFLN or Perez. Thank you

Note: I finally noticed that in the gamer post, I mistakenly put Steve Madden where John Madden should have been. I apologize. Shoes on the brain.