This Chair Can't Hold Me

How wonderful. The same adorable flight attendant is sinking free throws with the roasted peanuts. I hope he doesn't intend to try that with the food trays.

The man in front of me has a head as big as a watermelon. I'll be enjoying the in flight movie as if I were watching it while taking an eye exam.

Oh shit, here comes a little ol' lady with a plastic cup full of fine Delta Air Merlot. The plane is experiencing turbulence. Please God let her pass with no spillage! Phew. This flight already has more going on than usual. Not necessarily a good thing.

Ugh, more turbulence. If I was a dude, sitting next to a hot 36DD, this would be a fun ride. Unfortunately, not the case.

All this excitement is also preventing me from composing full paragraphs. Instead, I just have some jumbled ideas. I'm just going to leave them that way. Maybe that'll better convey how scatterbrained I am at this moment. Seriously, I'm pouting like a 2 year old. Are we there yet???

The Long Flight

Oooh, off to a bad start!

To my right, I have a couple and their third wheel, a sleeper on the left, and Tom, the hilariously irritating clown as my flight attendant. He's whistling something with no apparent tune and speaking in German as he closes the overhead compartments. He's also really loud. Kinda like Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon but not as quirky.

He's either being really nice (if you want to call it that) because he just took a hand full of Lortab or because this is his way of not freaking out (knock on wood) while in the air. Maybe being overly friendly and giving people "clever" nicknames based on clothing lets him relive his ambitions of becoming an actor. A dream he gave up when he discovered his stage fright.

To top my list of annoyances, there is a maintenance "issue." An hour goes by and we're still on the tarmac. I should have bought more snacks... I always get caught in a savory or sweet predicament when packing snacks for trips. I usually get both and eat neither. So, I made a bold decision and went with sweet...where are those damn airplane pretzels?

Insert John Denver Lyrics Here

Through the yard of man purses and sea of husbands taking pictures of their wives in an airport waiting chair, I crossed my fingers. Praying, hoping, wishing that this would be the day that I finally sit next to the man who would make my mashed potatoes fluffier, Will Ferrell movies funnier, and my flight, a little less tiresome.

And there he was. A tall guy in glasses. A business man I gather. I could only see him from the side because yet another couple was busy snapping photos. My heart jumped a little when I saw him make his way toward the gate when the intercom shouted for World Class Elite customers. He's a frequent flyer! When my row number was called, I hurried to the gate, hoping that he'd be the one I'd have the Fight Club airplane dilemma with: Ass or Crotch?

No such luck. Couldn't get a good look because he was too busy storing his briefcase under the seat.

My single tab of Dramamine put me right to sleep. I woke up just as the plane was landing. My first layover. As we were exiting, I noticed that he was lagging behind. I hopped along, hoping to get a glimpse of my frequent flier in glasses. Oh...not as cute as I imagined.

And so, my mid-flight love affair ended silently in my brain as I looked for my next target.

Across the Sea

Who said scrunchies were dead? A fashion taboo? Asia thrives on taboos and even makes them, well, fetchy.

I think the Sex and the City type ladies shun scrunchies because they`re too busy being women. Women of Asia, are girls. Girls who just wanna have fun! Who doesn`t want to wear sparkly pumps with leopard print leggings with a flowy, solid micro-mini with a metallic tank with a cute vest with clunky jewelry with fake lashes with glittery cheeks with bright eyeshadow and topping it all off with a fun scrunchy to hold those loose buns (of hair). B r e a t h e

We (they) live in a Lolita-fashion world, folks. So, cover your mouth and laugh all you want but there is a Hentai/Cosplayer in all of us.

My Husband`s on TV

As I was flipping through the stations, saddened by the absence of CSI and Law and Order reruns, I settled for a variety news program. I was half asleep when suddenly, GOOD MORNING! There, on the TV, was my husband. Yes, the actor, Hugh Jackman. He had chased me all the way here..and also to promote his Wolverine flick. But mostly for me.

Yes darling, I see you. I see you being sweet to EVERY person you come in contact with. This country is now in love with you. And I will represent them!!

Yea, I freaked out a little. After regaining my composure, I calmly pointed at the screen and introduced my grandmother to my man. She coolly replied, ``Well, I guess I`ll have to be healthy till you bring him here.`` A sexy man is all it takes to keep this woman alive.

Wow, I do belong to this family.

Andrea Zimmern?

Wow, I`ve already eaten a months worth of food. Enough for eleven episodes on Travel Network, including Bizarre Foods.

Last night, my uncle took me to a fancy Korean restaurant where I ate some strange yet fantastic things. We grilled some veggies and high quality meats, perfectly marbleized (I have my pinky straight in the air, holding my monocle). Then, came the ingredients that`d make Andrew Zimmern proud: esophagus, intestine, cheek, tongue, stomach, and many others that I forgot to study in A&P. It was all really good. Trust me, if you did`t know what it was, you`d eat it.

Speaking of strange, I just watched a commercial advertising meat sprinkles for your rice...and the ShamWow commercial. I guess news hasn`t traveled about the beaten hooker. Too soon?

Masks, But Not the Mysterious Kind

My flight(s) was...what you`d expect from a 10+hour plane ride: The inviting and unimaginably vertical seats, the electrifying fleece/nylon combo blanket, the ever so MOD lighting, and equate-IKEA inspired tray tables. Not to forget, the overwhelming aroma of stale flight food and B.O. that overtakes you after about hour 8.

My connections all went smoothly. I even had enough time to create an entire dramedy between an international flight attendant and a meek airport security guy. He loves her overseas stories and how professional she looks in her low pumps and high bun. He only gets to see her when she happens to fill in the Toronto to Minneapolis/St. Paul flight for her friend, which doesn`t happen often enough. He dreams of them mile high-ing it but quickly pushes those thoughts aside. She is a first class lady! Not an economy whore. He can only relish in the moments it takes to escort her to her connecting flight... I digress

Speaking of dramedy. Yet AGAIN, the romantic comedy Gods have frowned upon me. I did not have a gorgeous seat-neighbor in 54E. Sigh

All I asked is to, in a random happenstance, meet a beautiful and funny guy who`d think I was still adorable after the international flight odor had set in and my hair had taken a strange form after the static had taken hold of it. All the while, enjoying our witty banter and sharing my love for food and theatre. Didn`t think that was too much to ask.

Instead, I was surrounded by the early-bird vacation tour group and the masked avengers (the sneeze-cover masks, not the `Ooh, I want to know your alter ego` masks). Did I say avengers? I meant the masked strangers. The one military guy, who`s back of the head looked promising, was bumped up to a better seat because the flight attendant also had a son in the navy or whatever. Just my luck. Oh well, it may not have worked with him anyway. He probably had a grandparent or great uncle who fought in the war and loathed Asians, making Christmas with the family nearly impossible.

If I can`t meet people in planes, maybe I should try and trip constantly. Sooner or later, I`ll have to fall into some strong and caring hands, right? But, I have been doing this plane thing for a while with no luck...Where are the bars around here?

Tea? Coffee?

I don`t know why I thought being a flight attendant would be a good back up career plan. I mean, not that I could. I don`t measure up to their height requirements, I wouldn`t be able to help put luggage in the over head compartments, and I wouldn`t be able to assist in an evacuation (because no one would see me flailing my arms to indicate the exits).

It would also be hell for me. I don`t like prolonged time with the people I wait on, on the ground. Can you imagine, in the air? It would be like being stuck in a full restaurant without having a turn over. Sucks having exits you can`t leave from. Geeze, you couldn`t even scream or quit (mid flight). Man, that would be awkward.

I constantly need a quick exit plan. Bye bye, bye bye now.

Travel, Let Those Dreams Unravel

Travel becomes more of an ordeal every year I get older. I'm still excited going home..my other home. All I used to worry about was having pencil and paper and making sure I was seated in between my parents. Now, there's so much more to fret.

Did I pack my chargers? Do I have enough clothes? Do I need some snacks? Do I have enough gifts? Did I pack my passport? Where is my passport? Aaarrrrggggh

The first thing I do when I get on the long leg of my trip is to check the in-flight menu. I rarely eat on the plane. Something about those overly hot chicken/beef and overly cold rolls...makes me nauseous. Who are they trying to fool with those grill marks anyway. The next thing I do is check the in-flight movies. It's usually something I've seen or something I tried to avoid, like a Miley Cyrus or Jonas Brothers in 3-D movie!

After I'm settled, I imagine who my seat-neighbor (singular because I'm in the aisle) could be. I secretly hope that it'll be a super hot actor who sits in Coach because, hey, he's an average guy. Maybe he'll help me get my carry-on from the over head compartment. Maybe I'll accidentally spill my ginger ale on his lap. Maybe I'll strike up a conversation by offering him a Pez. Who doesn't like Pez? Or maybe he'll notice I'm reading Dead Until Dark and casually mention that he's in it...You never know.

I just hope that I'll be able to wedge my legs between the armrest and tray table to sleep as much as I can. I hope that my iPod will not run out of juice. And I hope that my luggage does not stray. Fingers crossed!

I'll keep you updated on my trip, just as long as I can find WiFi! Stay tuned~

You or Your Son?

Yikes! I just started this blog project and already a week has gone by since my last post. Gotta catch up. Unfortunately, I haven't come in contact with many notable happenings so I'm forced to reach into my past-stash. The feelings and memories aren't fresh but I hope I'll be inspired as I share the stories.

I used to have these regulars who would request me on Saturdays. They were a cute, older couple and were generous tippers. That is probably the reason why I tried not to notice when the gentleman (har har)'s hand would go awry and nudge my bum to "hurry me" along. It was also not uncommon for him to ask me to park myself on his lap. "Hahaha, you are just the worst (wink)!" With every wink, a waitress loses a bit of her soul

The wife, on the other hand, would always tell me about her good looking son and how much he'd love me. He's a world traveller, you see. I'm sure he has a great, white-collar job but by the looks of his parents, he'd have to be in his mid 30s and would probably prefer a bubbly blond. Just sayin'. They even invited me on a cruise once, which I had to miss since I had a big school project coming up... Nuts!

I never got to meet this gorgeous son of theirs so I'll never know what could have been. But, if I happen to marry that son, I've gotta be honest, when the father-in-law becomes in need of care, off to assisted living he goes. He is old enough to know better but obviously too old to care.