Run It Again, Sam

Dropping off the bill at a table can be the most relieving as well as the most tense moment. Is the bill split up the way they want it? Was everything charged correctly? Are they going to tip well?

Whenever there's a dispute about who's going to pay for what, it can get a little funny. I call it the Bill Tug-of-War. "Susan, put your card away! You got it last time." "But Diane, you just brought over that lovely cheesecake last week for brunch! Here, take my card." La la la. All the while, I'm left shrugging awkwardly by the table as cards come flying at my face. Honestly, I don't care who pays. Just as long as someone does.

Running cards can be rather tricky. Not the swiping part, obviously, but there are many things that can go wrong: The online server can be busy, the computer can be unresponsive, we could be low on paper...the worst though, is if your card is declined.

Believe me, we will do our very best to break the news to you discretely. Just slip us another payment method and we'll be on our way. What we don't need or deserve is for you to take your embarrassment and frustrations out on us. How can it be our fault that you have insufficient funds due to your splurge on golf clubs or a new pair of D&G booties?

Trust me, it makes us just as nervous as you when your card's declined. Yes, we have tried to run it more than once! Our computer has a way of telling us who is to blame for an incomplete transaction. Besides, we want to be absolutely sure before we have to walk the Walk of Death back to the table. Staring me down while saying "That's not possible" doesn't help the situation because the impossible just happened. Your credit limit is a problem you need to discuss with your credit card company. Not me.

By this point, no matter what I say or do, I know that you think this is all my fault: I am just a bitter waiter causing a scene because I am unhappy with my current situation and want those who have the luxury of having a lovely dinner out to suffer. I can assure you that is never the case but if you're mad, you're mad. Just ask your friend(s) to pay, take out your anger by slashing my tip down to mere pennies, and have a good night.

Appetizers: $6

Bottle of Wine: $28

Dinner: $32.75

Yelling at your server in front of friends: priceless